Stank You, Smelly Much.

… I think I’m on the right track now…

I was talking on twitter with some one about anger. Alot of people dont know that I have/had a terrible anger problem. I would be completely furious and willingly unreasonable. I’d be mad, fully aware that my anger was causing me to be unreasonable and I did not care. Which, as far as I’m concerned isnt me. No matter how I feel about anything, I always want to make the smarter most effective choices for the given situation. My anger was fucking that ALL up. Most of my life. Im 31 years old and I just recently got a decent hold on my anger.

Its not that I’d get mad, its that I couldnt let go. Which used to drive me completely crazy. Because on one hand, I didnt want to be angry at all. I really didnt even want to give a fuck. But I couldnt help it. I couldnt let go. I’d stay mad at people and events for… hours, days, months, even years. Eventually I just came to accept this as me being me. I didnt know any other way else to be. Its how I grew up. I didnt know of any other options. When people would tell me I didnt have to get mad, I thought they were fucking crazy. I couldnt even imagine a life where I could control my anger. It got to the point to where I believed my choices, as unreasonable as they were, were justified because… well that person shouldnt have pissed me off. They got what they got. Just like I would have if I pissed them off. Most of the time, I wouldnt even feel bad. No matter what. Any energy spent was worth it. Eventually “The energy it takes to get angry” was just like the energy it takes to be nice to some one. Screaming, Yelling, Hollering. All that. Fuck it. If I was too tired. I had no problem taking a nap after a fight. Thats just way life was for me.

Then one day, a few months after typing out this (as ignorant as this is. lol), it felt like I met an Angel. She was perfect for me in almost every way. Over time, I watched this girl bring out the best of me. I saw myself like the person I was around this person for the first time in my life. She was JUST like me. But she had a bit of an attitude problem, a stank ass one in fact lol, but it was one of the main things that attracted me to her. So I nick named her”Stanky” But as great as she was for me. It also seemed like she would bring out the very worse in me. I couldnt figure out how I loved somebody so much, put so much time and effort into somebody, want to give a person every inch of myself I could. But this same person is pissing me off to levels of pisstivity I’ve never even experienced. Like pissing me off worse than anybody ever had. It was awful. After our fights, for the first time in my life, I’d feel super fucking awful. Id say all kind of mean things. Do mean and passive aggressive shit that Id always regret. Which was a weird feeling for me, because regret wasnt really a feeling I had fully experienced until I met her. Regret is one of the worst damn feelings ever. We’d fight, and of course, I’d feel like I was right. She would feel like she was right. But because I was always the one getting all extra mad and out of control (even thought we would both be pissed and loud) I was the one saying I’m sorry. I would truly be apologetic and remorseful. It was wack, in the sense that I’d still feel like I never got my point across and I’d carry that into the next incident. It was like I was chasing my own fucking tail. Of course she wasnt the only source of frustration and anger in my life. But being mad at her was what I didnt want. I didnt care about the other shit at all.

One day during the course of our relationship, I felt like I never wanted to speak to her again. I was tired of being mad all the time. I couldnt take it no more. But through all the sorrys and apologies, we’ve taken each other back hundreds of times. So I knew I wouldnt feel like that by the end of the day. I had it super damn bad for this person. So my next thought was, “Nigga, maybe its you”. I had consider that me being quick to lose my temper, was the cause of our problems. So I tried as hard as I could to contain my anger, try to be more open minded. More calm. I tried to do this all on my own. Eventually started smoking weed daily just to keep me calm through out the day or when ever I had to deal with her. That only worked for like a week lol. Eventually I’d be super angry AND high as fuck. Which is totally unacceptable lol. Thats a waste of weed lol.

Eventually, after alot of frustration, I had to admit to myself I couldnt fix my anger on my own. It wasnt getting any better. Worse in fact. I knew what I wanted to do, just not how to accomplish it. I had none of the personal tools necessary as a person to combat my own anger. So I signed up for anger management followed up by personal one on one therapy. And through that I learned alot about myself. At first, I was completely embarrassed to go to Anger Management counseling and Personal Therapy Counseling. I was even more embarrassed to tell any one about it. I was ashamed to admit that I couldnt control my emotions. Stanky could. Kinda lol Well, way better than I could. I was so envious of her. I felt like it made her a better person than me. And to be as honest as possible. Im way too fucking competitive for that. I refuse to let some one have the upper hand on me in any instance. Fuck that. lol

I went to therapy every week for 2+ years. I learned so much about myself. I learned how to handle my problems in a more productive manner. Im all about  being productive and progressing. My anger was in the way. It was holding me back. I wanted to be a better business partner, a better son, brother. I wanted to be the best husband to Stanky I could possibly be. And if we ever had kids. I wanted to be the best father I could. Better than my father. Not that I had a terrible father. But everybody knows their parents short comings. And I didnt want to share his, or my moms. Two emotional ass people who had their own brand of fury. Most importantly though, I needed to do it for my own sanity. I had so much going on in my life at the time. I was being pulled in a million different directions. Taking on way too much. I was getting no sleep. My issues were consuming me. Especially because my anger had me feeling like I was chasing my tail. Im a person who MUST keep things moving forward. And I MUST have what I desire. My anger was getting in the way of Stanky and I. She is what I wanted the most… along with my sanity lol.

Anger Management will teach you how anger works. For instance, you have to identify whats causing you the stress that is leading to your anger. Then how to reduce your stress to prevent you from even getting angry. I learned that the first day I went to anger management. It opened up my whole mind to the possibility that I didnt have to be mad as fuck all the time. It gave me hope that I could eventually tame my anger. Just that one thing. Anger Management will only get you so far. I only took 3 anger management classes. By the 3rd class I felt I had learned everything the class had to offer. So I started up personal therapy with Dr. Lynn (thats what I call her). I went every week for over 2 years. Even the times I didnt want to go. When I was at my lowest. When I was feeling perfect and had nothing to talk about. I still went in. Every time I thought there was nothing to be accomplished or learned. There was. Sometimes I’d come away feeling worse than I felt when I went in. Sometimes I felt like a huge was burden lifted off of my shoulders. When I first started, I remember feeling like I didnt want to be around no more. And I had no clue what that really meant, or how it would happen. I was just exhausted and couldnt deal anymore. Some weeks I felt my GRIT dragging me by the collar to therapy. The best thing Ive ever done with myself ever.

Unfortunately, Stanky and I broke up for good after my anger management was done and I was about 4 or 5 weeks into therapy. But I was still determined to become a better person. To keep my sanity. And to conquer my anger and the issues that I discovered I had through therapy that I never knew about. I never knew to admit to myself. I learned how to put a name and definition to my behavior. With learning why I behaved the way I did in some instances opened up… or rather just sheed or turned on a big ass bright ass light in my mind. And when that light switched on, It was almost like I got a brand new toy all the time. Every time I discovered something about me and my behavior I could then use that to improve my self and accomplish the things I want with in myself. With that happening, it lead to alot of happiness I’ve never experienced in my life before. Sometime it would be so intense, I’d fucking cry from joy. I remember the first time I actually used something I learned in therapy, I was in a Cheesecake factory with Syl, and I fuckin started crying in the middle of the restaurant lol. The only thing I can compare it to, is the joy some one feels when they get “saved” or “finds God”. lol I had to pull myself together man lol. But FUCK I was happy as fuck. I felt the chains coming off. It was awesome.

Today, life is alot better. I still hold on to things. But not like I used to and I can talk myself though it. I dont need any help. If somebody points out something to me. Its alot easier for me to consider and not get mad and offened at all. Im not so quick to fly off the handle. What used to take no real energy, fight and anger, seems completely fucking exhausting to me now. The biggest thing is… if and when I do get super mad (because nobody is perfect, I’ve this is a problem I grew up with) I can bring myself down. Before, that shit was fucking impossible. I couldnt bring myself down, and nobody else could either. Not my mom, not my dad, not my friends, best friends, not even Stanky. THAT is probably the biggest relief at all. I dont need to smoke. I dont need anybody else. If I want to calm down. Im going to calm down. No lie, it used to take fucking DAYS for me to calm down. Now, not even hours. I can calm down, look for a reasonable solution that I can be ok with and not regret my behavior later.

I never got a chance to show Stanky the changes I made. Never got to prove to her that I wasnt looking to argue. That I could calm down. That I could talk shit out and let it go. Its not like we havent talked (we’ve been broken up for two or three years… the whole time I was in therapy, bascialy) or havent tried to get back together. But for whatever reason, we still would get into it. Its wasnt as bad as it was, but some how, the same results. Us not talking. Us not being together. Theres alot of reasons, that I wont go into. This shit is already longer than I wanted it to be.

But in the vein of me working on my problems. As upset and unsatisfied as Ive been at the way things have been going in my life, I hear that pointing out things you appreciate and our grateful for.

Im grateful that she came into my life. Im grateful that she inspired me to be a better person. Not just with my anger, but in alot of other aspects of my life. This is a person who greatly improved the quality of my life, no matter if she was in or out of it. I dont know if I would have ever made it to anger management and therapy if I wouldnt have met her. Syl would tell me all the time that I needed to go. But I never saw a real reason before. I thought my problem wasnt THAT bad. And that I could handle it myself. If I didnt care so much, I wouldnt get so mad. Right? Some people thinks that sounds perfectly logical. To me it did as well. But at the same time, sounded incredibly abusive as fuck lol. I never wanted to actually even SAY that to anybody. Shit seems wrong. But there is some truth to it. Its not that youre mad or angry. What you are is passionate and that person means alot to you. Its the passion plus frustration towards whatever situation that makes you so fucking angry.

I used to think I’d never get married, and couldnt even imagine the circumstances I’d want to get married under. I believed that I’d never find anybody perfect for me. I thought I’d never be all the way in love with any one.

Now I believe its possible. Alot of me wants to say that whole experience was a once in a life time thing and that was my only shot at being happy. I still believe that for the most part. But I typed this out to force my self to believe that its possible for me to be happy again. Im forcing myself to be optimistic lol. Well optimistic  might be too gotdamn optimistic. But open to it is alot more like it. lol

Being with her showed me exactly what Im looking for in another person. What will make me happy. How to make me happy. Before I could tell you what I didnt want. And now all Im about is what I want.

So, Stank you Stanky. Smelly much. Im definitely on the right track now.